Life Lessons with Deputy Dog

despite being aware of several of my what others might call personality flaws, (me, i call them "added bonuses!") mr. brown decided to marry me anyway. the one which is probably near the top of my list of annoying (i call them "unique") traits is my desire to have things neat & tidy. not just clean...Holly Clean. not that i obsess. i just like things to go where they go and for surfaces to be as clean as our lifestyle will allow. i have two kids and two dogs. one of my kids is allergic to our dogs. i have to be anal about this stuff. and it isn't that big a deal, really. especially since i am more than willing to do the cleaning--because, let's face it. if someone else does it, i will most likely do it again my way anyhow. and i'm faster than the average gal. it's just how i roll. again, there ain't no shame in my game.

and in the past four years i've spent as a stay-at-home mom, i've been able to hone my skills and pick up a few more. some of which i am not so proud. like the fact that i, much like your dog, have become able to identify the very different and distinct sounds of each car in the neighborhood. i know when Little Dick, our neighbor with the tiny little suzuki jacked up super high with gigantic wheels is coming home before he's even into sight. and when the little old man who cuts the grass for all the single moms on our street is heading home in his chevy cavalier. yet another reason besides my superior sense of smell for tony to have dubbed me Deputy Dog.

but i digress. i have many fabulous skills. one of them to be envied by all (i am so full of shit) is my ability to clean my house, all of it, in under an hour. and not just clean it---Holly Clean it. holla!

so here's how i do it. not that you care, but you may hate the chore and this is an easy and very quick way to get it done. i have a two-story cape. got an apartment or a one-story abode? sheeeeeet...you'll finish in 20 minutes, easy.

step one.....pick up all the crap that doesn't belong on the floor or in the room and put it in a laundry basket. repeat in all rooms until all the shit is up. then tote that shit around the house until it is all back in place. wait...your stuff doesn't have a place? i can't help you then. stop reading.

step 2, for those of you still with me......grab your bathroom & kitchen cleaning products and go spray/ sprinkle down the sinks, tubs, showers, toilets. leave this stuff to soak/ pre-treat.

step 3, ....dust.

step 4...vacuum. i follow it up with a good swiffering, too. but i have two asthmatic kids and two dogs. i go above and beyond because the kids' health depends on it.

step 5....mop? hell no. that's a sometimes task. step 5 is going in to the bathrooms and wiping everything down & rinsing. grime is gonna slide right off since you let it all soak while you were busy dusting & vacuuming. then clean your toilets. ick. i do it last, just like i always ate my vegetables last as a kid. save the WORST for last.

step 6...empty all trash bins.*


now you are fucking done. go pour yourself a cocktail or read or knit paint your nails or facebook or call a friend and gossip. you deserve it because, after all, you are a homemaking badass.

*on mondays and fridays....lookout! i get crazy and change sheets on 3 beds, too. and some wednesdays i mop. basically, i am way overqualified for my job.