five alarm burner

I've realized lately that I am raising the human boy equivalent of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. The Dude's comic sensibility and timing are pretty advanced for his age. Let's just say that if he were to POOF! into an episode of That 70's Show, my baby's comments would regularly be punctuated by a backup chorus of "Burn!" a la Michael Kelso. For example, The Dude has taken to sauntering over to grown men and saying, "Hey, man. Nice dress." When he tried it with me I said, "Thanks! I'm a girl so that wasn't insulting." To which he answered, "Oh. Hey, Mom. Nice hairy chest!" Burn!

And though you have to give him credit for being so savvy (and savvy it is, considering his age---however what is savvy at 4 is not so savvy at 13, but he's way ahead of the curve here), it can be obnoxious and we all know it is bound to backfire soon since he is ONLY FOUR and has zero understanding of where and when his gifts are deemed inappropriate.

I don't want to stifle his funny-bone (as if I could) but goddammit! he will eventually be embarrassing me bigtime with this baloney. But then, he is so very entertaining and much of his identity is tied up in how funny he is. So, I am torn. But I guess I'll have to let him hone his skills. He'll realize what boundaries he shouldn't cross sooner or later, like most comedians do. Maybe after he gets punched in the face a few times by kids who don't find him very funny. In the meantime, I'll just sit back and continue giggling with my little Triumph.

he grabs life by the balls, people.

it blows my mind that it took so long for this kind of unbridled joie de vivre
to send us to the orthopedic specialist.

the dude, thrill riding, a month past his 2nd birthday
and with broken bits at nearly 4.

eating animals

The Dude: (pondering the B&B Seafood Crab Shack on Williamsburg Rd.) Momma? Why do people eat crabs?

Me: (gasp! finally! a vegetarian teaching moment! how do i handle this?) Well, because humans are at the top of the food chain. People can choose to eat animals or not to eat animals.

The Dude: (peering up through his too-long bangs, head slightly tilted in full-on pondering mode) Oh. Mommy? I wanna eat a horse.

Me: *sigh*

a vocabulary lesson with the unicorn

grow

in an instant i glimpsed the future. as he helped each boy lift the drill and steady their tiny hands. i saw the dude's hands growing, morphing into mitts the size of daddy's. i heard a teenage unicorn's unfamiliar voice as he asked for his turn next. saw the three of them huddled together over the construction of a nearly finished half-pipe. felt a little left out. felt the tug, the heartache of letting go. and just then, the dude---proud, so proud of himself---looked up at me, his little face hungrily awaiting my approval and anticipating the reflection of his joy to shine from my own face. and just like that, the ache lifted and i knew. they will always look to me, our connections somehow reflexive. their hands will grow and change with their hearts and minds, into complete man-sized vessels of possibility. and as they do, i will be there and be as i should, having endured the slow and bold transformation as well. they can only outgrow me if i stop growing along with them. my boys, my dear sweet boys, now i know and i will continue to savor every moment of this motherhood, the one i am loving right now. because this tender phase is short lived for them, and as it fades into their histories i'll have to shed that skin as well. so for now, i will bask in it's holy heat and try my best to build the base for something solid and forever. and i will succeed.

call him Batman

all day yesterday The Dude wore a red cape and spoke only in a deep and sinister sounding voice, proclaiming nearly every two minutes that he was Blue Batman (not to be confused with the more popular Batman in a black suit, The Dude is partial to the vintage Adam West era Batman costume.) the novelty charmed strangers and passersby while annoying those of us spending significant lengths of time with Blue Batman. you see, strangers knew to address The Dude as Batman. "hi-five, Batman!" "why, hello, Batman!" "well, i feel safer knowing that Batman is here!" "quick, to your batcave!" while i, on the other hand, kept slipping up and calling him by his real name or nickname and thereby earning red-faced scoldings and demands to CALL ME BATMAN, MOMMY! sigh. it was exhausting.
then this morning i happened upon these totally Dudely and adorable etsy finds from kilsook. 100% The Dude. sidenote: etsy is trying to make me die of the need need want wants. all of kilsook's items are cute cute cute, and paired with their descriptions they equal great. here's the image description for batman and just some other kids who have yet to embrace the awesomeness of the great caped crusader....

hi.

what's your name?

little boy trying to be patient:
batman.

little girl in a dress:
well.
i'm sally.
and this is edmund, and frank, and henry, and that's lucy.

batman looks over and nods slightly.

little girl in a dress:
so...
what's your last name?


silence. and then a very heavy sigh .


it's just batman.


little girl in a dress:
oh...

genesis

the other night, while sipping on beers with some of richmond's finest ladies on a scenic side-porch which happens to have the most excellent view of a historic cemetery and soaking in all the beauty of this spring's first thunderstorm, i was asked to describe the distinct personality differences between my two children. without a pause i explained: Noah is a Dude. Angus is a Unicorn.
so fitting was this description that the blog has been renamed in its honor.
behold, the Dude and the Unicorn.