seeing through new eyes

I just realized something that should have been obvious to me long ago. Obvious because, after all, I do spend most of my time with The Dude and The Unicorn and I think I know them better than just about anyone. But I guess I don't, because looking at this photo now all I can think is, "How could I have missed understanding which of my children needs more help fortifying his self-confidence?"

I was looking at this photo and thinking about how great it is that The Unicorn (right) is so comfortable in his own skin despite the fact that he is so very different from most kids his age. And even though he's busily bubbling through life unaffected and seemingly unaware of his challenges I find myself super protective of his psyche, terrified that someone will put out that spark he has. Terrified that one day he will lose his fearlessness and the love of life which is such a big part of him. Terrified that one day he will think that being unique is a bad thing.

Then I looked to the other side of the photo at The Dude, my little man of steel. A child overflowing with cool and masculinity, seemingly impervious to pain and famous for his F.U. attitude. I chuckled to myself about how only The Unicorn is holding a balloon in the picture because moments before this photo was taken The Dude had refused to accept a balloon because "balloons are for babies" and then spent the next two hours staring jealously at the bobbing green thing tied safely to The Unicorn's wrist. And then it hit me. The Dude is the one who is actually shy, slower to warm up to people, more anxious when he is the center of attention. The Dude already cares about peer approval and about this or that being too babyfied for him. He's already told me he wouldn't wear a certain shirt because someone might laugh at him. Lightbulb! How did I miss just how much The Dude needs me to be there reminding him not to let anyone (including himself) put out his spark, to make certain that he never forgets how great he is just as he is.

Ugh. Being a mom is hard. All the cliches are true. There is always something new to learn. You never quite have it figured out. You can't parent any two children the same way. Your kids teach you as much about the world as you teach them. Being a parent will help you discover a lot about yourself. The only way to parent effectively is to question yourself and your viewpoint regularly, then adjust as needed. You must grow with your children. And now here's another cliche I've found to be true: Clarity is best achieved using the eyes of an outsider.

I'm so sorry Dude. I missed that catch but I'm back in the game and I won't drop that ball again.

fostering an understanding of friendship

i've been pondering a lot in the past few days about friendship preferences. we've reached a new stage in my kids' lives. they've begun decide who they do and do not wish to have as friends. as parents, we want our kids to enjoy the company of other kids....kids they know from school, from the neighborhood, random playground playmates, and children of our close friends. but after a certain age, our children begin showing preferences in choosing who they wish to spend time with as well as voicing who they no longer want to have as a buddy. knowing this, when is the right time to allow your child to decide against seeing certain kids socially? for me, the answer is this: as soon as your kid is old enough to articulate the WHY.

before this shift occurred, it was easy to plan get-togethers and play dates around which moms and dads the mister and i wanted to hang with. the kids, we figured, would just be kids and play happily with any other small humans, and as parents we'd simply chalk personality clashes and disputes over toys and whatnot as age-appropriate behavior.

however, lately, i've seen our kids on both sides of the to-friend-or-not-to-friend dynamic. the unicorn plays better and enjoys himself more with certain kids as does the dude. then there are kids who don't appreciate one or both of my kids' ways of doing things. whatever. we just limit togetherness with those kids to little contact and hope that over time things will even out and playing together can resume. there's no sense in setting our kids up for hurt feelings caused by being shunned by someone they consider a friend.

and when it happens in reverse, when one child (or both children) tell you they no longer want to be around certain playmates, what can you do but respect their choice? by ignoring a child's concerns we run the risk of injuring the trust we've been busily building with them since birth. if we ignore their feelings, we only condition them not to come to us for support and guidance---and there's no way i'll risk that.

i'm not saying that the first time your kid comes to you complaining of being treated unfairly or feels snubbed or isn't getting enough time with the coveted toy of the moment you jump in and protect your kid by pulling him away from the play date. that solves nothing. children learn valuable social skills through playmate interaction. give and take, turn-taking, consideration for other peoples feelings, fairness, self-expression, cooperation...the list goes on and on. a parent's role in helping the young child forge friendships is to set our kids up for success, not failure, and to be there to help them try again when they do encounter setbacks.

so my game plan is this: to continue truly listening when my kid expresses how a particular friend makes him feel, in hopes that understanding and perspective is all he needs to keep the friendship intact. but when appropriate, support and respect his decision to not continue the friendship. as adults, we know that friendships are selective by nature, so why should it be any different for our children? there are so many ways to begin exploring the understanding of what being a good friend means. but it is equally important to recognize the natural happiness that comes with finding real friendship when you see it, and knowing when you don't.